THE SMERCONISH GUIDE TO SHEAR ECSTASY
February 22, 2007
Michael Smerconish
DEAR Britney:
Welcome to the club.
As a charter member, I'm
often asked for advice by those contemplating the switch. I have guidance for
you that could also help others who are considering coming out. (Judging from
that photo we've all seen of you getting out of a car, I know you need a little
advice about shaving.)
First, some have suggested
that you had intended to get a "Brazilian" and that you simply got
your body parts confused. I hope not. I want to believe that you're earnest
about making the switch, and not trying to use the community of the follicly
challenged as a foil to wrest Anna Nicole Smith from the headlines.
Our lifetime of suffering
has only recently ended. For years, before we shaved it all, we in the cue-ball
club were the brunt of countless jokes and outright discrimination.
We're those who in college
were voted "hairline most likely to recede." In the movies, it's our
lookalike, the bald guy, who's always cast as the white-collar criminal. See an
overweight man in a commercial? Bald. Same with the guy who gets the condition
they're talking about when they say "if this lasts for four hours, call a
doctor." El Baldo. Picked last for sports, has a hard time getting some,
and is always the final person hired? Mr. Baldypants.
But the tide has turned.
Like Samson's hair in
reverse, we draw strength from the loss of our manes. And we're laughing all
the way to the bank. No more shampoo. Or conditioner. No need for a rug. A
convertible never felt so good. Our bad hair days are over. No more tangles,
indeed.
My second point: White guys,
and, apparently, white chicks, can shave their heads but still need to keep it
real. We'll never look as cool as when a black guy does it. If you're white,
there's a thin line between looking cool and looking like that weird guy who
dances in the Six Flags commercials. Samuel L. Jackson vs. Kojak? Grace Jones
vs. Sinead O'Conner? I rest my case.
Third, not everyone can do
this. You need a smooth, well-shaped noggin if you shave. Who hasn't seen a
real-life egghead, a scar or some unidentifiable growth? Take George "the
Animal" Steele. There's a guy who should have let that hair run up his
back and down his chest.
As with waistlines and
dresses, sometimes those who should be covering up are the first to take it
off. They ruin it for the rest of us. I can't tell from the footage on
"Entertainment Tonight" or the photos in US Weekly if you qualify. You're generally perceived as being
hot, so I'll take for granted you pass the shape test.
Fourth, get some sun. I
shaved my head on a bet after a few cocktails in January. Big mistake. Then
again, the beaches near Philly don't open until Memorial Day. I recommend some
No. 30 sunblock at first. You don't want to start peeling up there.
Fifth, you need a mirror in
the shower to keep things in shape. I recommend the steam-free kind you can get
at a place like Sharper Image. Don't even try this at a sink. Shaving your head
at home in the sink is one step up from the hobo who does his grooming at 30th
Street or Penn Station - and two steps up from anyone who has ever used a
Flow-bee.
Sixth, you used shears - big
mistake! You need the right lather, and I've tried them all. My favorite: Helan
Natural's Vetiver & Rum Sapone da Barba. I get it at smallflower.com. Made
in Italy, and it's the best - $12 for 3.5 oz.
Finally, we're not
"skinheads." Please use your celebrity to redirect the word choice.
We've retained the same PR pros responsible for converting
"stewardess" to "flight attendant," and
"garbageman" to "sanitation worker." They advise the use of
the terms "the de-maned," serviced by a "shearing
professional." Spread the word.
So take off that wig. Stand
tall. You're not alone. Still, you may want to leave the grooming of your
children to K-Fed.
Listen to Michael Smerconish weekdays 5:30-9 a.m.
on the Big Talker, 1210/AM. Read him Sundays in the Inquirer. Contact him via
the Web at www.mastalk.com.